3 Reasons Why Gay Men are Afraid of Gay Sex

One of my subscribers sent me a message today that said this:

My thing is that I’m really afraid of gay sex.  I don’t know what it is, but I have all these ideas about how it is “supposed” to be. It’s so frustrating to not have any clear images about what it’s supposed to be like to be gay.

Now, if you’ve been out of the closet for a while, your first reaction might be, “WTF, sex is awesome!”

But for those of you recently out, the idea of having sex as a gay person can be downright terrifying and – dare I say – disgusting?

Most of our reference guides for gay sex are limited to 3 options:

  • Hardcore porn
  • Tragedies a la Brokeback Mountain, The Hours, Philadelphia
  • Campy comedies with names like The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror (yes, that’s a real movie)

So there’s a preconceived notion that “being gay” ultimately means we’re going to be gang banged and peed on, have our hearts crushed by a forbidden love, get AIDS, and forever be a cheesy B-movie stereotype.

No wonder people are afraid of coming out!

Not only do we have to deal with the potential backlash from family and friends but now we have to actually leave our closet and BE gay!

But I have good news: YOU are in control of your sexuality. Your sexuality – and the media stereotypes that come with it – do NOT control you.

Below are some of the most common fears and questions people face as they come out of the closet:

1. I’m afraid of anal sex. Does it hurt?

Let’s get one thing straight: Anal sex is not synonymous with being gay.

In fact, only 36 percent of gay men reported receiving anal sex in a 2011 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Many partners find ways to please each other without doing what what in the butt.

Anal sex can hurt if done improperly. If it hurts, stop. If there’s bleeding, stop. If you’re constipated, don’t even start.

And sometimes there’s blood and fecal matter. Life is not always as clean and hygienic as a Titan porn set.

Just use lots of lube and take it slow. If you don’t like it, there’s no need to keep doing it. Communication with your partner is just as important between the sheets as it is in the streets.

2. Should I hook up with different people before finding a long-term relationship? I want to have fun without being considered a slut.

Sex is a normal human desire. You should not feel guilty for wanting to experiment (with consenting adults). You just have to be safe and smart about it.

Your sexual and emotional health are two peas in a pod, and if one suffers, they both do. I don’t care what people say: Sex comes with emotional baggage, so why not make it a Louis Vuitton clutch instead of a dirty sack of guilt and tears?

It all goes back to YOU being in charge of your sexuality.

People who go around slut-shaming everyone need to get a grip and realize not all humans are programmed the same.

3. I don’t want to get AIDS or some other STD.

Then don’t have sex.

Just kidding.

Sex – like everything else in life – comes with its share of risks. The smartest thing anyone can do is know what those risks are and prepare for them.

If you want to reduce your risk for STDs, wear a condom, get tested, and know your partner’s status.

If you want to reduce your risk for dying in a car accident, wear your seatbelt.

If you want to reduce your risk for cancer, don’t smoke.

Does this mean bad stuff will never happen to you? No, but you’re doing your part, and that’s all you can do.

About 17,000 people in the US with AIDS died in 2009, and while that sounds like a high number, it doesn’t compare to the 300,000 people who died from an obesity-related illness.

In other words, be cautious, but don’t live in fear.

Were you afraid during your first gay sex encounter?

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31 Responses to 3 Reasons Why Gay Men are Afraid of Gay Sex

  1. jay foxworthy

    Ok I have never been scared of “Gay Sex” even when I was a little gay virgin its all I could thin about…To touch kiss lick a hot man was all I wanted to do. Then I had sex and was like WOW why did I wait so long…I didn’t have sex with a man until I was 18 in the Army and wish I had started way b4 that. today Sex is less often yes when you have kids it can be a challenge to find the time…But when it does happen WOW…

    • Hi Jay, good to see you here! :-) I think a lot of gay youth are turned on, yet repulsed (possibly by guilt) about the idea of gay sex. So they watch porn online and it warps their view of what it’ll be like. That = confusion.

      Thanks for reading!

  2. I thought I was wrong before reading this. Because I simply don’t like anal sex, but all the guys I ever met told me I had problems and I HAD to try it.

    Thank you so much. I don’t have words to describe how grateful I am with all your help with your videos! You are like a big brother to me (lol, sorry but that’s true).

    Sorry for my bad english.

    –Mexican guy. :-)

  3. I am 16, and I really want to prepare for anal sex…is there anything I can do?

    But thanks for the post, it was really helpful. :)

  4. I’ve never been afraid of gay sex ( I would be afraid of the lack of gay sex, lol )

  5. First, this is a great post. It reminds us all to use our logic and our knowledge of ourselves instead of just delivering advice that work for that author (but might not work for anyone else). And for any gay virgins out there that implies something else: know yourself well before you have sex. Know what you are willing to do and not do, and only get involved with someone you trust in a situation that feels safe. Perhaps that seems obvious, but lust can be pretty blinding.

    Second, I think a lot of the fear of gay sex happens because the gay community has become so focused on sex it has forgotten to talk about and mentor about gay relationships at all. Gay kids have a gay community that in most places is filled with mainly teens and twentysomethings. At that age, we care about the physical parts of sex more than the emotional parts, and we’re still so fresh from coming out that the excitement of a physical relationship is overwhelming. Most of the older gays in stable relationships with their own families aren’t involved in the gay community–they have their own lives. The result is that sex gains this primacy it should have never had, and all the other features of long term and short term romantic relationships that make sex fun and safe–trust, honesty, communication, etc.–get ignored.

    What we should tell young people with concerns about gay sex is that with a good person and in a good situation, sex won’t be scary at all. We can’t say “do x and y and anal sex won’t hurt” or “do x and y and your relationship will last.” Everyone is different, and you will be different in every relationship. I think. The best advice we could give is upon reaching our late 20s and 30s and beyond to stay active as examples for young people. Thankfully the internet and media seem to be grasping that diversity of experience finally.

  6. And just a quick note about anal sex–from my own experience and what I know of my friends, that stat Sam mentions seems right. Anal sex is far less common than most people think, and the depiction of it in porn is, no shock here, unrealistic. Sam is right about all the other stuff too: “getting through the pain” of anal sex is not like some gay badge of honor. Pain is a sign that something is wrong, and ignoring that message from your body is silly. **We are not porn stars.**

    Anal sex is portrayed as the ultimate intimate act–as if it’s the essence of gay sex and all that other stuff is just foreplay or something lesser. I used to think that and apply it to my relationship and it’s just not true. If you’re both enjoying what you’re doing, don’t feel like you have to shift into anal sex to “finish” like they do in porn, and certainly don’t imagine that it will create some magical bond between you and your partner if that bond doesn’t already exist. The goal in sex should be sharing mutual pleasure, not performing a certain act or set of acts.

  7. Musique's Poetry

    I was scared on my first time. however, I had a great coach. I feared of catching an STD and being caught. However, I am openly gay and damn proud of it.

  8. Malik (ERAUPRCWA)

    HA! lol, I was never afraid of gay sex but I did fall for the “clean” image of porn, so that was a surprise but like you said, communicate, be safe and clean up during and before sex, everything should be enjoyable.
    I was an early bloomer though, wish I had waited cause it probably would have been better but I was young during my first time.

  9. PandaManDanny

    Anal sex never appealed to me and after my first time, it still didn’t. Although, I think with more experience, I will learn to enjoy it. One of my girl friends dislikes having sex with her boyfriend and I asked her if she had ever orgasmed and she said no, to which I replied “no wonder!” I think that’s sort of the same with me: first time wasn’t enjoyable, just painful, but I think over time, the pain will pass and I will be able to learn to enjoy it.

    • Pain really is not necessary during anal sex; I can’t emphasize that enough to guys who struggle with it or are new to it. More importantly, you could be risking doing some damage that might take a while to heal to a part of your body that is used pretty frequently for…well, you know :) Now, some guys just don’t enjoy it, and that might be simply how you’re wired. But “not enjoying” and “in pain” are two vastly different things. For most guys, it really takes a lot more patience, relaxation, and lube than they probably imagined it would require. And, having some compatibility with your partner in terms of size, angle, etc. is pretty important too.

  10. I am twenty-one, been out and proud about a year and have a wonderful and fantastic boyfriend. He was the first person I had any kind of sex with. I am raised in a church, so sex is something that I thought was very very serious and that it’s just kinda scary. That you give such a big part of yourself to the other person and blah blah blah, there’s shame, there’s confusion and I was just afraid. Sex was a big big deal for me.

    I was always very open about this with my (much much more experienced) bf and he was a great support. He decided that we should wait before having sex and it sort of ended with me begging him to shag me. He was so gentle and careful, it didn’t hurt at all and afterwards I couldn’t help but thinking “Is that it? So, what’s the big fuss about?”. I was so angry with the church for making me fear this beautiful thing. And I was so happy and grateful for having such a loving and caring bf.

    I love sex (doesn’t mean that I’m shagging 24/7), I’m happy with my sexuality and the realisation that, as you say, it’s up to me what to do when having sex.

    Thanks Sam for creating this wonderful blog! I’ve followed you for a long time (LOVE your youtube channel!) and you’ve really helped me not feeling so alone and different. You are great! Life is great!

  11. I just feel like cuddling all night long… That’s it. Thanx for the piece of advice, Sam & friends.

  12. Sam, as usual a post that will undoubtedly help many a young gay person. I am surprised, however, no one has mentioned reading a book on gay sex. There are many available today (unlike when I was coming into my sexual identity) that explain all the “do’s and don’ts” of gay sex. You are so right when you say anal sex is NOT the ultimate sexual experience. Over the 31 years, my partner and I have explored so many ways to pleasure each other. Experiment and choose those that you both enjoy. Only then will you find the true joy of sex.

    • I found a book on Amazon called something like “How to Bottom Without Pains or Stains.” I almost bought it just because of the title. There is tons of info in books and online. Hopefully people are doing their research beforehand because it can help get rid of those scary misconceptions.

      • Surprises during anal sex are never pleasant. Now you probably have a checklist before engaging in the act. ……yo dude 1st. time at 43, no list needed my friend…enjoyed every minit …. cant wait till next time….i guess the issue is why do i have to try so heard for next time? as a guy who is bi an likes sex for sex not who im with, i have to say… most men do not willingly give up they like other men or wanna…hmm … how u say be with men……xo bro

  13. Im glad i stumble upon this nice blog. For me and my b, we feel very intimate when we do the A thing, the feel that we are together and bonded in that very warm, tight mingling of two bodies. As Sam mentioned, if you trust the person your having sex with, there’s no need to be afraid. Just let go of those fear and Confussion.

  14. This blog is such a help! As a virgin (And rightfully so at 15), I’ve began wondering about all of this and how it’s supposed to happen. I definitely know that porn is NOT the correct representation of sex.This article sort of showed me that there is no set way. It’s sort of a whatever-you’re-comfortable-with thing, and if your partner’s pushing for more than you’re ready for, then he’s not the right one. One thing I have noticed is that because the relationship is two MEN, most of them forget about the trust as lust takes over. I think that’s where sex gets turned into an ugly act – when the partners don’t trust each other as they should. Now, I’m not saying ALL relationships are that way, but because the women is usually the one who holds back until she trusts him, it usually is forgotten about in young relationships.

  15. I love how some people are like I didn’t have sex till I was 18! Well im 20 turning 21 next year and I havent even touched another man intimately let alone had sex :( oh the joys of living in a country town in Australia *sigh*

  16. Hi, In regards to being afraid of having Gay sex. I think that anyone who hasn’t had sex with anyone has a fear of the unknown the first time. Then there’s Love or crushes you have on someone that I feel will make you feel more at ease. I was 17 the 1st time I had sex with a man whom I had met and had sex the 1st nite. We had oral sex and a lot of kissing. Once we got our clothes off we showered together kissing , I was so aroused. At that point knowing I was 100% gay. I told Ken the man I was with it was my 1st time. He was gentle and sweet. We made love thru the nite ,just being that close to him I came quickly and then again. I would say find someone you just feel you can trust and be honest. You don’t have to be inlove. Just feel excited to be with that man and your body will enjoy and feel the excitement. We kissed a lot and had oral sex and he was OK with that. It was a beautiful nite. relax. Your body will let you know if you are enjoying it. Just weeks later I had a guy who picked me up in a bar. He was horny and didn’t care about me. He had anal sex with me and I bleed he told me that was normal. I left crying and scared. I should have listened to my inner self, my body. This is the best advice I can give you if it feels right do it and if it doesn’t don’t. I have always listened to my feelings and body and now have always felt comfortable. Always be true to your feelings. Your guide to having wonderful Gay sex. Enjoy your self in all that you do in life and you will always be happy you did later. Best to you, Kevin

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