Can Gay Men Really Be “Just Friends”?

Remember that scene in When Harry Met Sally where Harry explains why men and women can’t be friends?

“The sex part always gets in the way,” he says.

Then I thought maybe this rule applied to gay men as well – a demographic known for being sex-crazed and superficial.

Was I overgeneralizing? Maybe…but according to the comments left on my video “Are You Gay and Ugly,” the sex thing has many gay men seeking friendships outside the community.

In fact, the majority of commenters (who are gay) said they prefer having straight friends over gay friends.

I found this comment summed it up nicely:

I find that no matter if you’re attractive or an average joe everyone is the victim. The “average joe” is ignored and the “attractive” men are treated like objects. I began to isolate myself from gay men for a lot of reasons. It’s hard to find gay men who have positive goals, dreams, standards, and morals. - GRUMPYTWENTYSOMETHIN via YouTube

As pessimistic as this sounds, I think it rings true for a lot of us. Humanity is taught to lust after what they can’t have and look down upon what they can have. In the gay community, this trait seems to be amplified ten-fold.

But what’s the real reason? Why are gay men distancing themselves from the gay community?

There seem to be 3 main reasons for this:

  1. Gay men don’t respect other gay relationships, so they tend to over-sexualize friendships with gay couples…aka they’re homewreckers. Straight people are much less likely to intervene (for obvious reasons).
  2. Older gay men find more meaningful friendships with straight people due in part to the gay culture’s discrimination of anyone over the age of 40. (Unless you’re a hot sugar daddy.)
  3. Gay men often find more emotional support from straight friends during times of need. My guess is because it’s hard finding emotional support from a community that is riddled with depression and suicide.

This leads me to my main question:

Are gay men too suspicious towards one another to have a meaningful, platonic relationship?

As the commenter suggests, average guys are shunned while the hot guys are seen purely as sex objects. Ultimately, both groups become emotionally detached and jaded toward the community as a whole.

Now you could argue that the obsession with youth and beauty is rampant across the board – in both gay and straight culture – and that is true, yet I can’t help but think of all the movies and sitcoms I’ve seen where the average overweight straight guy has a hot wife.

American media gives the average straight guy a hell of a lot more hope than the average gay guy. (But that’s a whole other blog.)

I shall end this post with a big shout out and thank you to The Gayborhood Times for sharing my video and introducing my YouTube channel to a great new group of people.

Ciao for now!

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32 Responses to Can Gay Men Really Be “Just Friends”?

  1. I think I have an equal number of straight friends and gay friends. I’m not sure why that is. I do know that I have slept with many of my gay friends in the past, but still remained friends with them. I think that is one area where we trounce the straight world. How many straight men could stay friends with ex-girlfriends and it not bother their wife? I think we are more open-minded about sex, and it doesn’t have to mean that choosing to be monogamous now, means that you exclude everyone you ever knew and liked before your present partner. One of my best gay friends was an ex-lover 30 years ago. We have always flirted and hugged each other since then, but never had sex since. It’s all good.

    My present ‘best friend’ is straight and I have known him for over 10 years. He is into his second marriage, and women swoon over him. He is a looker. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I fancied him too, but I never made a move on him. What’s the point? He’s straight, right?
    Then out of the blue last year, after doing some work for him, he texted me to ask how I wanted paying.
    I joked back, “Just lend me your naked body for half an hour! LOL”
    He came back with, “Okay, but don’t tell anyone!”.
    Within half an hour, he was in my living room with his jeans round his ankles and my cock in his mouth! He said that he has never fancied men, but always loved cock? I know. Go figure, huh? It was his wife that suggested that he come round for some cock, so long as he filmed it so they could both get off on it later. I okayed it with Piers, and so it happened. We are still best friends with him and his wife. They would like to do a foursome, but Piers is very anti-vagina, so it’ll never happen. I’m happy with that.
    It’s funny the things that go on in suburbia, behind closed doors. And sometimes with the people you would suspect the least!
    - Rob

    • Haha wow, well that’s certainly an interesting story! I’m glad everyone was on the same page. Otherwise, it could have been a TAD awkward!

      Thanks for reading! :-)

  2. I agree with the points. It was quite hard for me to even try to think of a guy i slept with as a close friend or even worst when i dated them as i use to be straight and only 2 years ago i had sex with a man and ever since, i’ve been hooked. The problem was that i expected the same thing from a gay relationship that i did and had in a straight relationship and that was a major issue. But when i figured this, everything became cool and easy for me. (Although I became a little bit more closed off.) I realized that gay relationship is different, should it be friends or boyfriends. We’re guys so even if we’re in a relationship, we could still be buddies. Not to be offensive but I am not a feminine gay guy and neither I’m attracted to one. So it makes it easy to so called act like a “dude”. However i am pretty sensitive and emotional but who isn’t when they are in a relationship as you have to compromise and that creates exceptions. Its the same thing with straight relationship.

    Reading about so many stories of older gay guys makes me so worried of my future. No one wants to end of up alone, being gay makes it worse i reckon. Don’t get me wrong, I am content about myself but you know what i mean…

    Something i find a bit strange is that quite a few gay guys that i came across, don’t want to share their story in detail. I do understand, it could be hard but hell mine was hard too but i think sharing it make it easier and basically makes us normal. We are people, whether gay or straight makes no difference. We as gay guys screw with our reputation ourselves because we don’t act normal even toward ourselves. When people have problems they need to talk about it and it would especially help if we have experienced the same thing so some might actually share but they don’t share the whole truth sometimes. My point is that we need to seriously start acting normal cuz we are normal so we should forget about society putting us down and treating us different.

    PS. RobNorthampton, that was a hell of a story. I respect you for not trying to get your straight friends in bed while keeping your sense of humor. I could imagine your happy face when he was at your place ;)


  3. Year ago I met a guy via internet. Gay guy. We’ve been spending time together, talking, laughing. He was pretty good-looking. I really liked him, but there was no ‘sex thing’ between us and the only touches were handshakes. Now we don’t have contact anymore, but I think that proved that something like gay ‘just friends’ really exists. But I agree, that’s very rare.
    Also, I must say that your post really helped me. I don’t know why, but somehow it allows me to realise how important my straight best friend is and how much I like him. I find him attractive and I was dreaming to start something more, but I knew it was just hormones. And now this feeling is gone. Combitanion of overthinking, little selfpersuasion and your help can be very powerful.
    Sorry for my english (you don’t know how hard was for me to write something like this in english)

  4. I normally feel alienated from people anyway regardless of sexuality.

  5. Way to go, Sam! I have been following your blog and it rocks!

    I am not a racist, but for me, I think the oriental gay people cherish their relationship and friendship more, and are also more acceptable to mature ordinary Joe.

    Maybe I am lucky, but I have a healthy group of gay friends and straight friends. I am 37, still closeted but I am fortunate to have a husband, we have been living together for 8 years, and still counting.

    I think having a number of healthy gay couples as close friends is very important to keep my own relationship intact and well, for we are able to exchange our feelings, thoughts and also receive adequate support and suggestions. We also have gay friends who are still single. Whenever we have a get-together, these single gay friends are always on the invited list. Believe me, there is totally no “sexual desire” in the air, just pure friendship!

    Yes! Pure friendship can be found among gay friends.

    • Hey Teddy, thanks for the comment.

      You say you’re still closeted, but you have a husband and a large gay social circle. I would not consider you to be closeted by any means! You may not be out to your family but you’re living your life and you’re happy. That’s what matters.

  6. Interesting post Sam, I’m always wondering about these types of things and love when I get to read someone elses thoughts about them. I don’t have a whole lot of real life experience to go off of but I think two gay men can have a good platonic relationship. I think some guys (gay and strait) are pretty much sex driven. I haven’t had any experences with gay guys on that matter but I know alot strait guys that are just complete pigs toward women and only see them as sex objects. I would imagine those same guys would be the same if they were gay and therefore wouldn’t be able to have a “real” friendship with another guy without sex on their mind. Also, like with friendships with strait guys its probably a good idea to base your friendship on common interest and not solely ont that fact that you’re both gay.

    • Sorry for being 5 months late, but I wanted to respond! :-) You’re absolutely right. We shouldn’t be friends because we’re both gay. We should be friends because we like doing similar things or have personalities that compliment each other. Thanks for reading Garrett!

  7. Nice article, Sam. Well, I think I’m a bit young to say a word about this issue, yet I want to give my two cents: First, when you’re a young closeted man (my case), you get the feeling that most of your “friends” are supposed to be straight (some of them are gay and you don’t know that) and, generally speaking, you don’t think you have a close friendship with any of them. After all, they don’t know about your being gay. Result: something’s not working, you haven’t come to terms with your own sexuality/identity so you have neither straight nor gay pals whom you can trust.
    Second, I’ve learnt from a personal experience that trying to be friends with other gay man can be no piece of cake. Some want you as their “fuck buddy” so a simple friendship is hard to get.
    Third, I think the issue always depends on the circumstances of the involved. If you’re out, could you be friends with other gay men? Some can, some just can’t. If you’re thirsty for sex, could you be friends with other gay men? Some can, some just can’t. Anyways, no matter what you’re like (shy, carefree, kinda conservative in a one-night-relationships world,…) friendships, like relationships, seem to work for some people and for others they simply don’t.
    Finally, this is all I can tell about friendships, that it just depends on how clear the relationship is for every involved person, and this is where language has an important effect. Language is being, language is action, language is power: if you don’t say (or don’t clearly show) anyone they’re your friends, they’ll never know it; if you don’t say your gay acquaintances you won’t be their fuck buddy, that’s what you’ll get; if you don’t tell yourself you’ll get and go on with a nice gay friendship, that will hardly happen. That’s what I think.
    There’s a lifetime for me to learn much more about this matter. Thanks for this interesting debatable topic, Sam.

  8. Bovine Existence

    I have few friends. All straight. And I’ve never had sex before and I’m a young man in college, and I have been out for 2 years. All of the gay guys that I have met have either been: 1) Nice, but not my type, and they really didn’t seem to indicate that they were interested in me, which doesn’t surprise me, or 2) Whiny fems prancing about the dance floor on the only (unofficial) gay night (the only one offered in a city with almost 100,000 people) who turn up their nose at you on their search for their ideal fuck, fake smiles plastered on their anorexic faces.My straight friends are nice, but don’t really seem to care that I’m in a perpetual spiral of singledom, even though I recently helped out my best guy friend get out of a slump (and a new gf).

    What I have learned is that people are out for themselves, and don’t particularly care about anyone else. It’s human nature. Gays generally are running from a repressed childhood and adolescence, and are obsessed with getting back “lost” time (as I do as well). Straights get to have normal social development that gays don’t typically get, and so we tend to explode onto the scene as it were, generally fucking and partying as much as humanly possible. But you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to realize that such an meaningless, reactionary way of living is going to lead to depression and loss of self-respect.

    Generally, I just want to be able to have what straights take for granted: meaningful lives and relationships. I think I fucked my psycho-sexual self up so much, after years of repression and “reparative” therapy that I don’t have as high of a sex drive as most guys, and I know that I have no reason to expect sex, and so I know that I can live without it. My main concern is finding a relationship (which for me, would meet existential, sexual,, and emotional needs) in a world of superficial sex mazes, full of shallow, jaded, arrogant, and bitchy people. The problem of having a “community” built only upon sex is that sex is what it will be about. I do not belong to that world, and so i am relegated to the straight world were I once hid. Now I do not hide, but besides that, nothing has changed.

    Gays can be friends in the same way that straights can be friends: if there is no sexual interest. If there is, the friendships are excuses for eventual fucking. Gays seem to have more gay friends, because neither meets the other’s standards to fuck, or they did but can’t get along.
    Gays have straight friends so that they can have friends. The exist in the netherworld between the gay and straight poles. They have to live in the straight world by necessity, but travel to the gay world to fuck. It’s like a bourgeois vacation scheme.

    • Mister Bovine,
      Your comments completely register with me. I am having a hard time nailing down what is “healthy” for a gay man. Is there a balance in finding a whole group of gay friends that find one another attractive and exist in a perpetual platonic/sexual drama? I wouldn’t mind that. Should gay people find one partner? What are the rules? Straight people do have the benefit of millinea of stories, novels, films to tell their story and help them cope with the drama that is being straight… All the stories in gay cinema are either romantic coming out stories or sex comedies about horny gay guys making bets. Perhaps I haven’t looked enough. When I am fed up with being gay I tend to gravitate towards gay narratives to cope or something.

      I do think it is dangerous to make grand statements about all gay people and all straight people though. At the end of the day we just have to search for what we are comfortable with and find others comfortable with the same thing. Its really hard for a minority that is A. male (and thus non-expressive by nature/nuture) B. sex-charged (and thus elusive and flirtatious). My main concern as of now is to find a community that shares the same values as I do and find balance. Might be hard to find… but gay people aren’t the same everywhere, that’s for sure.

  9. Hi Sam,
    All of your 3 statements are true, but only to a certain extent. You and your boyfriend Pier are a great example of how it ALSO works otherwise. My former boyfriend was 37. I had my painful experience with “Gay men often find more emotional support from straight friends during times of need”, but I still have at least one gay friend and believe that you and Pier, Jay and Bryan, + Jose are not the only mentally healthy people left among gays. There ARE more and I’ll keep looking. :)
    Great post and great comments, guys! Interesting to read.
    Take care

  10. It’s who you’re hanging around, guys. The three talking points above are both true and false; it’s a matter of to whom you give your time. There are great relationships among gay friends, sexual and non-sexual. Be patient, you’ll find them … if you’re actively searching. Of course, there are plenty o’ shallow, no-time-for-anybody fellas out there, particularly in the city scenes — my pals and I actually call them “City Gays.” But there just as many (actually, I believe there are far more) sincere dudes hungry for good friends. In general, I prefer gay friends to straight ones — more so as time goes by. We have things in common far beyond sexuality. We share challenges and empathies and, often, similar journeys.

  11. Platonic relationship between gay guys is possible…. only when both have no sexual desire for each other. Once sex is involved, everything is changed.

    Just yesterday I finally broke up with a f**kbuddy of 16 years. 16 years! Longer than many relationships, gay or straight. I cannot say I played with this guy for 16 years and I have no feelings for him. I do. Sex with him was the best I’ve ever had in my life, I like to be with him too. But after 16 years, he still insisted that there was no feelings towards me. He just wanted to have sex with me. Frustrating? Damn right.

    We met when we were both in our 30s, practically kids. We played around separately when we were not available to meet, but always ended up in sex with each other some how because the physical attraction was so great. Now we are in our 50s. Getting together with him was still exciting, we still got together once a week. We met like this on and off for 16 years. Over the years, I did cut down on my affairs not only because I was getting tired of the scene, I was also getting comfortable because I got to be with him once a week even it’s for just 2-3 hours. I was quite satisfied.

    But after not hearing from him for over 2 weeks, 2 days ago he told me he was busy with some new f**kbuddy so he had no time for me for the past 2 weeks. I confronted him. He told me there was never any contract between us, and that I was free to play with anyone else if I like. He also said I was laying double standards on him because I went out to play around too.
    He even called me “immature”… who’s the immature one, really? Now I feel like I’ve been his toy all this time. He only wanted to play with me when he wanted to. Put me back in the toy box when he’s done with me. As a result, I exploded and ended this relationship.

    Am I over-reacting? Or am I finally seeing the truth? I think I know the answer but I’m still very pissed off, and a little confused. If it’s just sex, why I’m so pissed off? I don’t know. Just thinking if we were just friends to start, we may still be friends today. Once sex is involved, the relationship is changed.

    • Thanks for your insight. I’m currently in the same situation and your scenario is the role I play. For me it’s sex and feelings, for him it’s just sex. To make matters worse, we profess to be BFFs so that makes it harder for me to conpartmentalize things like he does. I just know that I like having sex with him, enjoy his friendship but hate the feelings of jealousy when I know he’s fucking whomever, whenever. He’s never made any promises to me and never led me to think there were any romantic feelings attached to us having sex.
      I honestly don’t think you’re overreacting, you’re just reacting finally. I’m sure that your reaction has been a long time coming. My guess is that I, like you, am setting myself up for failure but because of my sex drive and not wanting to lose what little I have with him, I’ll put up with it until I also finally explode. Unfortunately or fortunately I’ve had relationships along the way and due to this sex thing with him I’ve devalued those relationships. I’m sure that if I didn’t have him on the side my relationships would have been worth more to me.
      It also sounds to me like in these relationships with fuck buddies we’ve had, that we’ve had the answers in front of our face all along… To stop fucking if feelings come up and it’s not mutual.
      Good luck with everything

      • That’s the bottom line isn’t it?…. Fucking as entertainment needs to stop before one partner starts to get serious or wanting more out of the relationship than just sex. I wish there was a guide book for living the gay life. The way I deal with the nasty situation is to keep reminding myself that the great sex is nothing but an addiction. All addictions, if they don’t enrich our lives, gotta go. And there are ways to cure the addiction. This ex-fuck-buddy of mine said some hurtful things to me when we talked last time. He kept reminding me that he could fuck anyone or even fall in love with anyone because we had no contract between us. I will never forget how callous he was when he said that to me. At that moment I realized that this guy was not worth any more of my effort or for me to fantasize about. There was no hope of making he feel that I’m worth more than just a good sex toy. He only has himself in his mind, no-one else but himself. And that’s exactly where he’s at now…. he has no-one else but himself. Good riddance! And I get my dignity back. Actually now I feel pretty good about the break up. I’m still a little bitter but not mourning any more. Last week I bumped into him at a street corner. I felt great that day and thought I’d go up to him and say hi. I for one hate to have a sour taste in my mouth from bad relationships. I thought perhaps we could have a civilized adult conversation so that we wouldn’t have to dodge each other forever. Unfortunately he was still feeling pissed off because he had lost his favorite sex toy, ie. me. And obviously he hadn’t found another satisfying replacement yet. I sensed the bitterness in him. So I told him I wasn’t going to talk to him if he was acting that way. Then I just walked away. Obviously he wasn’t enjoying he “high life” he was hoping for. To be honest, once you’re over 52, the sex life isn’t as exciting as when you were 30s. Well, the good thing is that I feel more empowered because I faced the situation and it didn’t destroy me. I came out OK.

  12. Just based on my own personal experience, I would have to say that gay men can be friends but probably not close friends. The closest gay friend I’ve had was in a long term relationship, and I was in one too. This seemed to dampen any sexual tension and made the friendship feel safer to me, even though he was an attractive guy. However, after a couple years he asked if my boyfriend and I were ever open to having fun with another couple. Honestly, I was really taken aback. We’re still friends, but the dynamic has changed quite a bit. Maybe that’s coloring my response quite a bit.

    I’ve heard from many older gay friends that they had sex just once to “get it out of the way” or stayed friends with an ex, or had a three-way to bond with a friend, or four-way with another couple. However, to me this makes the relationship forever non-platonic. Once you are physically intimate, then that friendship becomes distinct from your other non-sexual friendships. As Harry might say, “the sex already got in the way.” What can I say, orgasms are emotional experiences in my eyes, and involve emotions that go way beyond friendship.

    • Wow, I would have been taken aback as well! Obviously the relationship he has with his boyfriend is on a different wavelength than the relationship you have with your boyfriend. And like you said, he was one of your closest friends, which it makes it that much more awkward!

      Sex changes the dynamic of friendship for people who view sex as more than something casual. Some people are able to have friends with benefits and not think twice about it. There’s nothing wrong with that I suppose, as long as everyone is on the same page.

  13. I have a number of friends, both straight and gay. I don’t see a huge conflict, though. Certainly, I’ve never slept with any of my gay friends who aren’t my bf, not even the single ones.

    I think the issue is that with gay men, the possibility of romance is always there. The analogous situation for straight people would be: can a man and a woman be “just friends”? Certainly, platonic m-f friendship is possible, but there’s always that hint of suspicion.

    In a way, that suspicion is well-founded. Friendship is often the bedrock of a lasting sexual relationship. I mean, would you really want to sleep with someone you hated? (Yes, I know about “hate sex.” I don’t get it, but I’ve heard about it…) For me at least, sex with someone (my bf) that I really care about is much, much deeper and more exciting than sex with a random. (Or with a friend that I like, but don’t have that deep, extra layer of affection for.)

    As a result, I think if you are really really into your bf, deeply in love with him, then yes, it’s much easier to have a platonic friendship with other gay guys. One of my best friends, from before I ever even met my bf, is gay. We get along fantastically. But we don’t go out, sleep together, etc. We have a great friendship, and don’t want to complicate/ruin it. Plus, I don’t think that spark is there, necessarily. Maybe if we dated or something, it would be. But it’s not. (Also, bf and my friend get along fantastically, which helps greatly.)

    Admittedly, part of this may be be cause I have an automatic “hands off” light that goes on in my brain when dealing with someone who’s already attached. But at the same time, I think that shows that a gay man doesn’t have to sell himself short, and assume that he can only have shallow and/or sexual relationships with other gay men. We can be friends with each other too, if we just put aside the b.s. and act like real humans (as our natures dictate). If it turns into romance, great, and if not, friendship is fantastic too. ;)

  14. Ok it’s late but I discovered this topic now. The problem as I see it is gay men overthink relationships and get defensive, putting up a shield and letting the friendship develop naturally. They put everything into boxes. I think to me, just my view, is why friendships don’t work in the gay community. My biggest thing that I need to work on is this. I respect a boundary. If they just want to be friends fine. But don’t go around telling people you don’t sleep with your friend. It’s BS. I don’t care who does what to whom, but respect to me is tellng others to mind their own business if one is having sex with a friend or not. Just stop overthinking and relax; to me it is more about friendship which is sharing and being there which transcends where one puts their penis. Sadly, gay men just box others and then wonder why they are alone.

  15. unfortunately, YES.

  16. Hey Sam,
    I felt compelled to weigh in on this one. I am an openly gay man “of a certain age” and find that I have a very balanced number of gay and straight friends, with whom I have very loving, nurturing and supportive relationships that doesn’t include sexual intimacy. In my teens (when I first came out to myself) and in my early twenties (when I made that declaration public), I did in fact have sexual relationships with friends early on, but discovered that we needed more than sex if the relationship was going to grow.
    I am proud to say that one of those early ‘day-n-night’ relationships, (we were best friends to the rest of our circle of friends at school and work, but would occasionally find ourselves coupling in a much more amorous manner some nights), has grown into a lifetime friendship. He is now married to a wonderful woman with a teenage and a grown son, and I have been monogamously and happilly with my partner for the past 16 years. We are all friends and while I have never shared the intimate details of that relationship with my partner (nor he with his wife), we are still the closest of friends and remain an important part in each others lives.
    One of the things that I have learned from this lifelong friendship with my childhood friend, is that I can have (and do have some wonderful bromances now, with men that are both straight and gay….some (if I am being completely honest) I do find sexually attractive.
    So being attracted to someone isn’t so much the issue, as “how you handle that attraction”.
    The fact that I now know a number of attractive, intelligent, sexually secure in their own skin men, that will greet me with a hug, (some a kiss) and then we go on with the rest of our social time together, I think shows great promise of how far our society has come (though I know, we still have much to work on). I am also aware that I live in the suburbs of a major metropolis and not in some backwoods “one horse town”.
    Still, I’d like to put it out there, that yes gay men can be just friends,,,at least this gay man can with his friends.

  17. i have a lot of gay and bi friends.. when it comes right down to it, a lot of them just wanna do me. it annoys me and i dont really hang with them much..

  18. Great topic, Sam. I’m weighing in a little late….I’m a middle age gay guy with mostly male friends. Most of these friends are gay, and we have known each other for many years. A few of them are former boyfriends. I have discovered that having common interests is what keeps these friendships going. We all happen to like music a lot (several genres) and also movies. We can all talk endlessly on these topics, keeping each other informed and entertained. It’s been fun. But when things turn bad for one of us–as when I suddenly lost my partner–my friends are there as well. Many gay men have numerous female friends and I think this is because women are not a threat in the say other gay men can be (frustrated desire, competition) and also that women tend to be nurturing more than men in general. However, I think it’s VERY IMPORTANT for gay men to have MALE friends as well. I worked in record retail for years with straight and gay guys… made me discover that under the ‘skin’ of sexuality we are all guys, who have more in common with each other than we do with women. So, I agree it’s not easy to be friends with another gay guy whom you desire, or with whom you have had sex. But I have done both and the latter was certainly not a problem (except when he wanted to go back to sex and I did not). Desiring a friend sexually is a problem, and perhaps it’s not the best thing to hang around with someone you want in that way. But having friends with common interests is the way to go. There are many ways to find new ones, on the internet especially.

  19. craig barraclough

    Hi I’m a 40yr old gay guy looking for friendship may be more

  20. Wow this is powerful stuff, really eye opening another person feels so much like me. I am gay and 37 and not impressed by the overall lack of standards, goals and happiness in the community. On the one hand I am so happy we gays are far less discriminated against. I remember the 80s and 90s when being gay meant shame to you and your family and possibly death if you became positive. Now we have acceptance and health thank god. Now what we need is to live part of our lives for others and for the future. We are not dads often enough or mentors or teachers or even students. We live for ourselves and thats kinda sad. There is too much shallowness, selfishness and materialism in our community. In some ways we got to be spolied brats.

  21. One of the issues that concerns me about respect in the gay community is the general lack of respect that gay youth show towards older, gay men. This doesn’t always have to do with sex or sexual interest, but can also be the disrespect of discarding the wisdom older men have acquired.

    I turn on the computer, head over to almost ANY porn site, and see amateurs humping bareback. It is disrespectful. How so? Think of all of those men in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s who died from HIV/AIDS. Some of us who came of age in the 1980s (like myself) remember the effort to get people to use condoms. I was only 17 when I began working with local AIDS activists in a rural, Alabama town to raise awareness about AIDS. Our first clinic was firebombed; the second one is in an economically devastated area, far out of the way and out of sight.

    A lot of young people will only “do it bareback.” HIV is on the rise. I don’t care if there are medications for it now, it is still fatal and the treatment for it is expensive. All of that hard work, all of that effort to try to save lives is gone, washed down the drain, because there is a persistent attitude that any gay man over 40 is a stupid old troll.

    Next time you’re at the bar or club and you hear some people talking about old trolls, correct them: those are the survivors, the soldiers who fought the AIDS war for an unappreciative successor generation.

    The key to making our community a better place is to stop and listen and THANK our elders for their leadership. They came out when coming out was not popular and was often met with violence. They stood their ground during the AIDS pandemic and saved themselves and tried to save others. Stop screwing bareback and show some God-damned R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

  22. lol I know it’s a blog.. but.. there’s just so many generalizations here it’s hard to take anything seriously.

  23. My two best friends are gay and I have no desire to have sex with them or them with me. Sex for us is not an issue and never will be. It is the same with straight people who say men and women can’t be friends. It is just dumb. Friendships like intimate relationships all depend on the people involved.

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